GUAN YU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by super sailor vegeta-sei
Summary: By the request of Tobelius. Guan Yu still to this day in China is worshipped as a God. Don't deny it you want to own a Chinese God of War, proshuist. A bit different from the Zhou Yu manual. Mistakes fix!


A/N Monologue and or notes go here like always. So I wrote that ZHOU YU guild, which poked fun at him. Someone liked that guild very much, and said that I should make another one. I wanted to make a ZHUGE LIANG one, but since I didn't get enough reviews, no. Now I decided to do a GUAN YU one instead. I added somethings to this guild that I didn't have in my Zhou YU manual. Please check out my crappy past works. But please check out Dear Abby Avatar edition.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dynasty Warriors, but CAO CAO did quite a bit of pwnage on the ancient Chinese battlefield. I'm yet again writing this guild without the permission from previous authors i.e Theresa Green. Someone wrote a ZHANG HE guild, and I guess that they didn't have permission. Reread it and fixed some usage and over all mistakes in the text.

Congratulations

You are now the proud owner of the brand new GUAN YU, the god of war in Three Kingdoms China. We are happy that you have done business with our company, a great reliable company that has been making units for months. To insure that your red skinned, long bearded, tall, phoenix eyed, second brother, and Chinese God of War lives a happy, productive, RED HARE riding, Go playing, love, and justice filled life please operate him according to the instructions of this guild.

Technical Specifications

Name: Family- Guan, Given- Yu meaning closed feather

Style names-Changsheng (meaning prolonged life) then later changed to Yunchang (meaning perminate or fleeting as a cloud)

Aliases: Beautiful Beard, Man of the Magnificent Beard, Lord Guan, Guan Gong, Lord Guan the Second, God of Guan, Saintly Emperor Guan, Taoist God of War, Man who never shaved, Second brother of LIU BEI, and Marquis Zhuangmou (we get the picture he's cool)

Buddhist Name: Sangharama Bodhisattva Qielan Pursa

Impostors: ZHU TONG and GUAN SHENG

Type: Leader of the Tiger Generals of Shu

Manufacture: Koei Omega Force, Dynasty Warriors editions, Kingdom SHU, Generals of Shu volume #2, Long Bearded Chinese War God special edition

Date of Manufacture: Circa 160 AD

Default age: 30

Place of Manufacture: Jieliang in Hedong (Xie county)

Appearance: Skin like red cherries, slanted phoenix eye, a two foot long ebony beard, fuzzy silk worm-like eye brows, and clothed in an emerald green robe

Height: 6'9"

Weight: Around two-hundred pounds

Length: Blue Moon Dragon weights about one-hundred pounds much better than LU BU and ZHAO YUN unit

Accessories

One (1) beautiful emerald green robe without one of the sleeves

One (1) long green brocade battle robe outlined in red, and the bottom a slight tinge of orange

Gold dragon armor

One (1) green turban to match the robes

One (1) girdle

One (1) golden belt with a lion buckle

One (1) pair of boots

One (1) spear

One (1) sword

One (1) beard grooming kit

Three (3) beard combs

One (1) beard brush

One (1) black silk beard bag for winter

Additional Accessories (sold separately)

Blue Moon Dragon

RED HARE unit given by CAO CAO or found on the battlefield (found in Xia Pei only)

Board game of Go

Adoptive son unit, GUAN PING

Installation

GUAN YU comes out of the crate from just opening it. If a GUAN YU unit fails to come out of the crate please get him wine. If wine doesn't arouse your GUAN YU unit into consciousness, please tell him that his brothers died at the hands of CAO CAO. If you find your GUAN YU unit in the crate beheaded, we apologize that a SUN QUAN unit executed him. Please return him for a full refund, or an exchange no questions asked. It is highly recommended that you buy all of the additional accessories in the order they are presented in the above section of this manual.

Uses

Horseback riding instructor- Even in modern days people still ride horses. Now is your chance city slicker to learn horseback riding from no other than the God of War himself with the legendary RED HARE steed. The GUAN YU unit teachers proper horsemanship, horse behavior, horse care, and even how to use your horse as a war horse. GUAN YU will never let you ride the RED HARE, so sorry, but he will also give you tips on making your horse go much faster.

Role model- GUAN YU, being the brother of a LIU BEI unit, is often a very virtuous man. He will teach you and/or your children moral values, and the many virtues that are lacking in today's society.

General- GUAN YU unit's experience, and technique on the battle field is pretty impressive. He has been victorious in a lot of battles, except for ones he fights against SUN QUAN. Make sure that when he is on the battle field that his beard is kept in that black silk beard bag that originally came with GUAN YU unit's packaging. If his beard is cut off in the midst of a battle, he may commit suicide. If he losses his beard in battle please, get him a fake one really soon.

Locks of Love donor- With that long, silky, prized beard of his, GUAN YU could be helping cancer patients regain their self esteem back by donating his beard. I know that all GUAN YU units are unwilling to do this, even if it means charity. What I recommend is at night just cut off a ten inch piece of his beard. You should do this once in a while, but not all the time, since a GUAN YU unit will be come suspicious of you and leave you if you continue to donate portions of his beard to Locks of Love. If you wish to do this keep your hair long and dark black.

Friend- Sorry hormonal fangirls GUAN YU units will not like you at all. He makes a very good friend, but he just can't love you. GUAN YU in friendship will keep you company, stand up for you, encourage you, protect you, and be your friend until the end. This may seem like a relationship, but don't mistaken it for one. A word of caution GUAN YU will put his brothers before you.

Modes

Virtuous (default)

Arrogant

Loyal

Vain

Vengeful (met after his death) When a unit dies it dies, but not a GUAN YU unit, or a ZHUGE LIANG unit, because their spirits will linger on. Be careful, because GUAN YU unit's ghost has said to haunt many people, especially LU MENG units and may cause their deaths.

God of War (locked) This mode is a mysterious mode, and can activate at any given time.

Cleaning

A GUAN YU unit does need a bath every day. It doesn't matter what shampoos or soaps you bathe him with. GUAN YU unit's programming has already installed a program for keeping his beard nice and trim, but the program does have bugs in the system causing GUAN YU to take off quite a bit of length of his lovely beard. If this happens reboot him.

Lubrication

I highly doubt that a GUAN YU unit will make love to you, but if he does get the beard out of the way. You probably need it since he's big.

Energy

A GUAN YU unit will like to have his wine, meat, grain, and baozis at meal time, and likes to dine with ZHANG FEI and LIU BEI units, but on occasion you might find him dinning with CAO CAO. GUAN YU units don't require fancy food like the other units.

Interactions

Your GUAN YU unit is a very sociable man and will get along with many people from the Three Kingdoms Period.

Shu Kingdom:

LIU BEI- Oath brother, may sleep in the same bed with.

ZHANG FEI- Oath brother, may sleep in the same bed with.

GUAN PING- Son, who wants to be just like him when he grows up

ZHUGE LIANG- Friend

ZHAO YUN- Friend

MA CHAO- Friend

Wei Kingdom:

CAO CAO- Gets along with, and an old friend. GUAN YU units will never kill a CAO CAO unit, because this particular unit gave him the Red Hare steed.

XIAHOU DUN- Rival

ZHANG LIAO- Another old friend who GUAN YU saved for being executed, and has a weird fascination with.

XU HUANG- Another old friend who knows how they met.

Wu Kingdom:

SUN QUAN- GUAN YU's killer keep a way!!!!

LU MENG- If you don't want this particular unit to die, then please keep a way!!!

Activities and Hobbies

In his free time a GUAN YU unit likes to participate in many different hobbies and activities.

Dancing with his brothers

Getting drunk

Go playing

Ridding the RED HARE

Stroking his beard for many hours at a time

Practicing with his Blue Moon Dragon

Reading the Spring and Autumn Annuals

Reading the Romance of the Three Kingdoms (please rip out his death part, and rewrite it)

Watching the drama Romance of the Three Kingdoms (please break the DVD where SUN QUAN executes him)

Spending time with his son

Warnings

After many battles your GUAN YU unit will turn arrogant, and it may cause his death. Also keep in mind that if you have any units of Water Margin i.e ZHU TONG and GUAN SHENG he might murder these rare units for looking like him. GUAN YU, in the Three Kingdoms Period, ranked number three in kills so keep him away from his enemies if you want them to live. If GUAN YU shares a bed too much with his brothers, he might be turning gay. GUAN YU may have a slumber party with his other brother units once in a while. Another word of caution if GUAN YU gets hit with a poisonous arrow in the arm, please call Doctor HUA TUO, before CAO CAO kills him. Doctor HUA TUO unit will perform very painful surgery on your GUAN YU unit by cutting away some of the bone of his arm. After this please keep GUAN YU even if he complains that he is well. Warning keep GUAN YU away from all American airports, because they may believe he is a Muslim terrorist.

FAQ

Question: I was send another unit that looks just like GUAN YU except for this unit has a shorter beard, comes with a roan colored horse, a halberd, and many military books, but many of the accessories that this guild says are missing. My unit comes with a certificate that says Big Halberd, GUAN SHENG. Is this another type of a GUAN YU unit?

Answer: Thanks for the long description. No this is not a GUAN YU unit. This is a descendant of GUAN YU. The unit that you have looks a lot like GUAN YU, but his style and make is as followed: Literary Chinese Classic Characters, Water Margin collection , Thirty-six heavenly spirits type, GUAN SHENG the Big Halberd edition. We often get messed up, because this two units look so similar. You may keep this unit if you wish, or send it back for a full refund, or an exchange.

Question: I bought a GUAN YU unit, but instead I received a guy who looks just like GUAN YU. It says his name is ZHU TONG the Beautiful Beard. Is this a special edition of GUAN YU?

Answer: No this is no special edition of GUAN YU. Our company makes both Water Margin and Dynasty Warriors units. Our GUAN YU, GUAN SHENG, and ZHU TONG units get frequently mixed up. This happens the most to these units.

Question: So honestly my GUAN YU unit can watch Romance of the Three Kingdoms with me and read the novel?

Answer: Yes he could, but remember if he sees what Wu does to him he might kill SUN QUAN or a LU MENG unit. The owners might take you to court.

Question: Would it be okay for my GUAN YU unit to donate at the blood bank?

Answer: Yes it would be fine to do so. Just make sure that his iron level is high enough, and that he consumes plenty of non-alcoholic beverages. I recommend that you give him Gatorade or water.

Question: What is God mode?

Answer: Good question, but that information is unavailable right now.

Troubleshooting

Problem: GUAN YU keeps sleeping with his brothers, but how can I make them stop?

Solution: When it's time to go to sleep send home the LIU BEI and ZHANG FEI units. Another idea is to limit his contact with these units. Make more time for his friends in Wei.

Problem: Out of no where, a LU BU unit has stolen my GUAN YU unit's RED HARE steed, but doesn't a LU BU unit already have his own RED HARE steed. How do I get the RED HARE back to my beloved GUAN YU unit?

Solution:The LU BU unit is only getting revenge for the brothers defeating him in battle, and also it's a combination of that and jealousy. Remember that CAO CAO took the RED HARE steed from LU BU when he was captured, and gave to to GUAN YU as a gift. I would not face a LU BU unit, but go to their owner demanding that their LU BU unit returns the RED HARE.

Problem: Whatever I fly with GUAN YU they heavily check him. Some people were scared, and demanded that the Muslim (terrorist) in green be booted off of the flight, and what made matters worse was that GUAN YU said many Chinese proverbs in Mandarin. We missed our flight to Beijing!!!!

Solution: Why go to Beijing that city smells, and nothing during the Three Kingdoms period really happened there. Have you ever looked at GUAN YU? He clearly looks very Muslin, the long beard and turban. I recommend that you have your GUAN YU unit remove his turban and the robe, but he should keep the beard. Ever since 9/11 the popularity of GUAN YU units have slightly went down.

Problem: I went to Hong Kong with my GUAN YU unit just to site see. A great deal of the population bowed down to my GUAN YU unit. They worshiped him as a god!!! The people gave us special privileges. Then we went to Japan, Vietnam, and Korea and the same thing happened. Would this happen everywhere, and how can I make it stop?

Solution: Don't go to any Asian country with GUAN YU, because everyone knows about him. I recommend a South American country, or a European country. These people barely know about the Three Kingdoms Period. Their view on GUAN YU will be that he is an Indian mixed with Muslim. By the way the Mexicans are afraid of really tall people.

Problem: The GUAN PING unit that I bought is all over GUAN YU. He won't leave his poor father alone.

Solution: Give the GUAN PING unit to a XING CAI unit, and since their love is forbidden make sure that these two units kill LIU CHAN. If they kill LIU CHAN, chances are that the GUAN PING and XING CAI unit will marry, and every Shuist will sleep better at night.

Problem: I don't know why, but my GUAN YU is still sided with CAO CAO.

Solution: I believe that there is a glitch in his programing. GUAN YU is suppose to side with LIU BEI, unless your unit has yet to meet a LIU BEI unit. This glitch is a really bad glitch and you should either contact someone with a LIU BEI unit, or reboot his system.

Warranty

This warranty will be a lifetime warranty since the GUAN YU unit is one of the strongest of the DYNASTY WARRIORS collection. He should not break under any circumstances, unless poisoned arrow wounds plus no doctor, and being beheaded by SUN QUAN. Under these deaths your warranty is void.

Notes

With proper care and maintenance, according to this manual, your GUAN YU unit will lead a fulling, happy, productive, and virtuous life.

Please review. I plan on writing more of these guilds. I want to pick on somebody from Wei.


End file.
